The worst part of doing laundry is finding a spot on my bed to sleep when I don't put it away for 3 days.

Women fake orgasms, men fake listening.

I hate when girls start fights over stupid shit like whether or not the kid is mine.

If I hold a door for you n you dont say thanks or at least nod, know I'm hoping a piano falls on your head like you're Wiley fucking Coyote.

Theres a hilarious underworld of Twitter comedy out there. You can enjoy it too if you stop only following pornstars n celebrities.

Hate when I text a girl "lets do dinner" n auto correct changes it to "lets get dinner n watch Armageddon then pity fuck to stop my crying".

Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for... Nevermind, her mom picked her up.

So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.

Next time I go to a bar I'm bringing breath mints in a prescription bottle just to fuck with people.

In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.

My suicide note will read: I had no phone charger.

I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.

No-one makes the noise nom nom nom when eating, quit typing that shit.

I don't even watch tv anymore. It's really just a soundtrack to my timeline.

After anyone star fucks me I fall asleep cuddling their avi so they know it's not just about the stars.

Twitter is the biggest short bus ever.

Fuck you acronyms I have to Google the meaning of.

Hey Dominos offers a Gluten Free Crust for all you health nuts that order from there all the time. That sentence hurts my brain.

I'd make for a terrible hostage. Once you duct tape me to a chair it's boner time, no matter the situation.

You spit on a banana before you eat just once and all sorts of ugly rumors start circulating.