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The worst part of doing laundry is finding a spot on my bed to sleep when I don't put it away for 3 days.
Women fake orgasms, men fake listening.
I hate when girls start fights over stupid shit like whether or not the kid is mine.
If I hold a door for you n you dont say thanks or at least nod, know I'm hoping a piano falls on your head like you're Wiley fucking Coyote.
Theres a hilarious underworld of Twitter comedy out there. You can enjoy it too if you stop only following pornstars n celebrities.
Hate when I text a girl "lets do dinner" n auto correct changes it to "lets get dinner n watch Armageddon then pity fuck to stop my crying".
Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for... Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.
Next time I go to a bar I'm bringing breath mints in a prescription bottle just to fuck with people.
In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.
My suicide note will read: I had no phone charger.
I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.
No-one makes the noise nom nom nom when eating, quit typing that shit.
I don't even watch tv anymore. It's really just a soundtrack to my timeline.
After anyone star fucks me I fall asleep cuddling their avi so they know it's not just about the stars.
Twitter is the biggest short bus ever.
Fuck you acronyms I have to Google the meaning of.
Hey Dominos offers a Gluten Free Crust for all you health nuts that order from there all the time. That sentence hurts my brain.
I'd make for a terrible hostage. Once you duct tape me to a chair it's boner time, no matter the situation.
You spit on a banana before you eat just once and all sorts of ugly rumors start circulating.
I wake up in the morning and piss excellence.