My wife's safe word:


Not tonight.

I bet the first person to ever hear a parrot talk freaked the fuck out!

She was like' let me suck your cock... And I was like..BUZZZZZ

Fucking alarm clock!!!!

Fool me once............




Fuck you!







There. Fixed it.

I've misspelled shit so wrong so many times that autofuckcorrect doesn't even try anymore.

Would you fuckers please quit this shit, I had a fucking life a week ago and now I don't even know where the fuck I'm at!!!!!

Research says men think about sex 19 times a day, I call bullshit it's only once a day.......




All day long.

There. Research fixed!

I've seen enough twitter to know where this is going!

Wife: take 13yo to church.
Me: you know I have twitter, right?
Wife:.........and?
Me: I might catch on fire.

There. Fixed it.

Pro tip: she always, listen to me mother fuckers, she always gets to cum first!


There. Fixed it.

I checked the yard....all the milkshakes are gone!

Ja' ever notice, I fucking retweet a lot?


Did I ask your permission? No, fuck you!



There. Fixed it.

Just who the fuck is this nutella anyway?

I'm here staring you fuckers cause wifey is on her Saturday morning "get the fuck outa my way or leave" mission and shit.

When someone calls and just asks what cha doing I usually reply "I'm fucking the neighbors cat, how bout you?"!



There, problem solved!

Just so ya know, it's mine and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.


~ shit I say in the shower.

Shout out to all the dad's fighting for their country and can't be home today.




There. Fixed it.

What's better than roses on a piano?

Two lips on a organ!!

There. Fixed it.

I piss my wife off every morning just by waking up breathing!



There. Fixed it.

I may not be Rachael Ray in the kitchen, but I'd fuck her in there!



There. Fixed it.