Yes, officer there is a very good reason why I'm not wearing pants. It's weigh-in day at Weight Watchers.

You can hack Twitter? Why would you want to. I mean, my God, we'll tell you anything about our personal lives if it will make you laugh.

Ate my 1st fish taco last night. Still a bit uneasy that there might be a euphemism there somewhere.

I'm going to celebrate diversity by taking a siesta instead of a nap.

I'm tired of being the goody-two-shoes. I'm throwing caution to the wind & buying a thong! Actually two thongs: 1 for each foot.

You know you've passed middle age when you realize that NO ONE lives to be 124.

Guy who won $260 mil Powerball last week says it won't change his life. That's because I haven't arrived at his house yet.

Reba723: Saving the world one-poodle-locked-in-a-car-while-asshole-owner-shops-in-90-degree-weather at a time.

The shrimp on this buffet have eyes. If I'd wanted shrimp with eyes I'd have married that short guy in high school.

Just tried to follow TinyJesus and the server broke down. What do you atheists have to say about THAT? Hmmm?

Wed options (1) Work out, then go to work (2) Go to work early, work out later (3) Go back to bed (4) Continue delusion that I have options.

There is something comforting about the scent of Clorox in a public restroom.

I'm going to leave the house today, but if I see my shadow, I'll scurry back inside and we'll have six more weeks of Twitter.

Twitter Leaderboard Imitates Life: One month after his death. Michael Jackson remains unburied.

I seem to fare better with Twitter friends than real. Maybe because tweeps *get* the humor. Or maybe I need to wash clothes more often.

I agree. @billmaher should not use sexist terms like "Bimbo". He should stick to gender neutral terms like "moron" when referring to Palin.

These little pre-measured 100 calorie bags of cookies, chips, etc. make it so easy to keep up with calories. I could eat them all night!

I must find some time to shave my legs in the next few days. These French braids are cumbersome in shorts.

I want someone to sponsor a bill making Saturday 48 hours long.

Marriott finally got free internet access in the lobby. Beats sitting in the Drury Inn parking lot with the computer balanced on my boobs.