Ghetto Quidditch: You have one hour to find and shoot the snitch.

"You know what bugs are most scared of? Confidence." -my sister

My sister just told the bartender he was cut off and then turned to me and said, "I can't believe we came out of the same vagina."

A "vagabond" is what starts forming when two lesbians begin to fall in love.

Call my penis #Area51 because that equals its (LxW), it looks like an alien, and it's the state flower of New Mexico. :)

#Wikipedia dropped the #sopa in the shower this morning, and I got a #pipa something I never wanna see again!

It's never not acceptable to not be who you aren't.

Cuz he's a #powertool. RT @MissMallibu Why is Jonah Hill dressed like Al from Home Improvement? :(

@dveloped Puts Raleigh on the map, tears that map up, and makes map soup out of it. Sounds good, tastes good: http://bit.ly/hIWkGH

@MissMallibu I know you have a baby bro so tell him you love him. They are the best, hands down, Psalms up. #BabyBroDay

@MissMallibu Can't wait to get the Google plug-in for my #neocortex and ThinkSearch the shit out of everybody's silly questions.

Limon and Zumba.

"Como se dice, 'Bobzilla stole my parking pass?'" -my sister

Quit making quiet quilts. They aren't quite cute. #blanketstatement

I've started saying "Goodness graceless!" in response to odd news. I'm losing friends.

You teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. You teach a fish to man, you evolutionize the future.

"Helveticka, squirting for the jumpoline interwebz." First sentence my mind could make using all the letters of the alphabet. 3 minutes.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to talk to it, does it dialogue?

I'm not Catholic but I still feel guilty when listening to Usher. #confession

Note to air travellers: #Southwest does NOT charge extra to check emotional baggage.