Dear Happy, Shiny, Engaged People: eventually your spouse's breathing habits will make you want to claw out your own eyes. Best wishes!

Learning Canadians riot was like learning there isn't
a Santa Claus.

@sallykern You've done irreparable harm to me, my friends, & my state. You don't deserve to represent Oklahomans anymore. We are not bigots.

An earthquake during a tornado watch. Suck it, California.

I just found my daughter, asleep, standing in front of her dollhouse. I'd send a picture, but I'm afraid you would all start dying...

I'm just throwing this out there, but if we all killed our guests at the same time, the cops *might* buy the "something in the water" story.

You know what's craziest about Oklahoma's all out war on women & contraception? Our governor is a woman. Shame on you, @govmaryfallin.

Via iPhone? RT @katyar Idiots.... RT @glinner: Westboro Baptist Church, you still got it! http://t.co/LagV7my9 (via @bobrox)

The GOP does not want government to feed kids healthy lunches, but does want government to monitor all pregnancies? #dearjohn #gopfail

.@govmaryfallin has just two kids. It's hard to believe she never used contraception. Don't be hypocritical, Governor. Veto personhood.

Dumbass. RT @tvamy TMZ: BREAKING NEWS: Rapper Lil Wayne has been arrested backstage at the Grammy's on gun charges. Details to come -AP”

Hey, Oklahoma Republicans: every time you deface my Obama 2012 bumper sticker, I'm buying 12 more. Bring it!

East Coast, if you pass on the opportunity to have earthquake sex & hurricane sex in the same week, you are letting America down.

Focusing only on the gun laws, & not on the lack of mental health care in this country is the cheap, easy conversation.

There's a #runsafe forum going on with @bartyasso. Every runner needs to be following. The information could literally save your life!

Night Twitter stars the things Day Twitter unfollows for, which makes me think Day Twitter isn't drinking enough.

Seriously, the things the GOP refuses to support with applause is stunning. And revealing. #SOTU

@bartyasso A4 Keep your head up, meet the eyes of the runners you pass, let them know you saw them. Vary your route, & time of day. #runsafe

"English" to "Child" translation: If you say "Don't come in here, I broke a glass!" children will hear "Come running, preferably barefoot!"

The kids are wide awake because "Go to bed, Honey. It was only a baby earthquake during a tornado watch!" isn't part of my lexicon. Yet.