I'm just a girl, sitting on a couch in wife beater and sweatpants, asking Pringles to love her.

I just got followed by a rehab center, I think I'm finally doing Twitter right!!!!

A hedgehog butler that carries cheese cubes on his spikes at parties.

Does Soccer have a season or is it just played until everyone dies?

As an adult there is really no one around to stop me from sleeping on the floor in a nest made of all my blankies and pillows.

Dear MENSA, I tried to flush the toilet with my foot, it slipped off and I did the splits over the open bowl. File under physical fitness.

Would you rather take a bubble bath with Kevin Federline or go on a road trip with Tilda Swinton and Tyra Banks?

Show me on the doll where Twitter touched you.

By far my favorite Twitter exchange of the year (and I'm not even involved!) @brendlewhat @egg_dog pic.twitter.com/jDGOQHJl

If I give you all my address will one of you come to my house and stop me from shoving Peanut M&Ms in my face?

About one million people stole my tweet that referenced Chris Brown beating up Rhianna.

Demi Moore would probably gain some weight if she didn't have to look at her daughters during family dinners.

I kinda wish one of you were brushing my hair right now.

I've done a number of shameful things in my life but my current interest level in Jenelle Evans' life tops them all.

No, YOU are crying over USA gymnastic gold.

I refuse to believe my back pain is caused by elaborate pillow construction and declare that ghosts are putting me in silly poses as I sleep

I forgot to take my Restless Leg medicine last night and, boy, am I kicking myself today. *adjusts bow tie*

Listen, I'm not saying I *want* a penguin roommate, I'm just saying it would really spice up bath time.

A remake of Cory in the House starring Cee Lo Green as Cory.

A ragtag gang of teens said "Damn, shorty got the booty" to me at Taco Bell so I don't think I need you guys anymore.