I'm paranoid but not "Obama created the tornadoes" paranoid.

Got irrationally angry at my eyebrows and now I look like Snidely Whiplash.

@cliffalus Let's not be hasty. I'm "ice cream in summer" at best.

I swear, it was a dare, he has such lustrous hair. @cliffalus pic.twitter.com/e0IcOygAc8

Gran's review of Gatsby included the phrase "Daisy had so many moles. They were everywhere on her body." So I think Ebert's legacy is safe.

My go-to move is the "I'll just lay down a bit and figure out my day."

Couldn't find my hoodie so I draped a blanket over my shoulders and now I crave bingo and hard candies.

*slow clap* Way to go, Internet. I googled "Dick Trickle."

Working on a song titled "I wanna be your Ygritte, not your regret." Wait for it to drop after winter comes. #GOT

Alice adjust the madman's tie. He walks to the podium only to turn around realizing that it was Manhattan and not about his Mad hat. #tp212

I can see @stevejones_cj on my Tee Vee!

It'd be easier for someone to explain to me the intricacies of String Theory than why The Californians on SNL are funny.

If one of you come over and make me a cheese sandwich I'll let you choose what kind of chips to crush in it.

Sorry, Life! I'm having tater tots for lunch so you can't touch me today.

@halanscott et tu, Scott?

@psquatch Mine is Donnie Decker the boy who could make it rain. Never comes up in conversation, I stand in a lot of corners waiting.

@psquatch oh thank you! That was making my college education hurt.

The truest look into your soul is how you eat room service when alone.

I don't usually promote elite but @robfee was one of the first to follow me on Tumblr and I'm still awed by it. Follow him to say thanks.

I'm crying over Mac Daddy and will take no crap about it.