This corporation is trying to be mindful. A sign on the bathroom mirror said 'Think.' I made a sign to go next to it that says 'Thoap.'

Nothing gives me heart palpitations like handing my phone to someone to look at a pic. Pleasedontscrollpleasedontscroll

Someday we'll look back on twitter, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

I like to hold the door for people who are far away, so they have to run a little.

"I had a great time last night, but I really have to go." = I can't poop here, I barely know you!

For all the guys that tell a woman to practice their blow jobs on a banana : SUCK ON A TIC-TAC!!

I said doodie to a cop tonight. Used my ninja skills to make him think I said duty. But I said doodie!

When I send a birthday message via FB, I use only lower case, just so they know I really don't give a shift.

When anyone says the word umbrella, I have to say 'Ella, Ella, ay, ay, ay' in my head, or the world will end.

My OCD number is three.

My OCD number is three.

My OCD number is three.

My dinosaur name would Lickalotapuss. (get it! cuz I'm a lesbian! *slaps knee at corny joke)

I'll show myself out....

I was having sex with a woman from twitter, and I was all 'Say my name!' and she was all 'Redicupidity' and I had to stop cuz that's stupid

I don't ask much. Just treat me like a lady and fuck me like a whore.

Let's be responsible adults here people. Please spay and neuter your exes.

I wonder if Michael Jackson ever found out if Annie was ok, before he died.

For St Patricks Day, I think all women named Erin should go bragh-less.

Slapping some stranger on the back and yelling "TAG-YOU'RE IT!" while running down the aisle, is the only way to make grocery shopping fun.

If you don't like me, then we can't be friends.

I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I can pick up quarters in a fountain with my camel toe.

I'm so ninja, no one notices when I slip the word penis in when I say happiness.