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My boss says I could be more professional. So far, I've worked the word THRUST into four conversations today.
I'm spending my day putting Pissing Calvin window stickers on every car with a stick figure family that I come across.
I learned a lot in high school, but what I use most on a daily basis was from playing Tetris.
Performing death defying feats is just another Thursday for this caped avenger.
I forgot to poop today.
I just paid $5 for 6 cookies at an organic market. If these things aren't filled with medicinal weed, I'm burning the place to the ground.
If I haven't been having sex, does that make me a deadbeat dyke?
As a lesbian, I thank god every day for yoga pants.
Tonight my feelings taste like brownie batter.
I flunked out of my math class because apparently Jesus isn't the answer when dealing with fractions.
Life lesson 374: never sneeze into a fan.
Just once, I'd like to hear about something disappearing into thick air.
I'm more of a lukewarm mess.
What does it mean if my laundry for an entire week consists solely of pajamas?
I support our troops. I just bought a marine a lap dance.
I'm spending my Friday night washing my propane tank. Basically that just means I'm not above pity sex.
Nothing livens up a morning meeting like a kazoo solo.
I'm the coolest dork you'll ever meet!
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