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Tonight my feelings taste like brownie batter.
I flunked out of my math class because apparently Jesus isn't the answer when dealing with fractions.
Life lesson 374: never sneeze into a fan.
Just once, I'd like to hear about something disappearing into thick air.
I'm more of a lukewarm mess.
What does it mean if my laundry for an entire week consists solely of pajamas?
I support our troops. I just bought a marine a lap dance.
I'm spending my Friday night washing my propane tank. Basically that just means I'm not above pity sex.
Nothing livens up a morning meeting like a kazoo solo.
The Thriller dance is harder to do in a car than I expected.
I'm not scared of spiders, but the fear of my phone being stuck on the front facing camera makes me shudder.
:tweeting from a Port a potty in WaKeeney, KS.
My victory for the day was finding a fruit loop in my cleavage.
The older I get, the longer the cleavage.
I don't think I've ever been this depressed. I bought single stuffed Oreos and my life is pointless.
I'd never have a natural child birth. After spending 9 months sober, there's not a chance in hell. I'd bring in my own heroin.
I'm always a little weirded out by a warm public toilet seat.
If you can't sing the Fresh Prince theme song, I'll never have sex with you.