For every DJ there is always the guy standing next to him who really wants to be a DJ

They say there are always more fish in the sea... but who wants to fuck a fish?

Schools actually do need armed guards so they'll seem even more like prisons than they already do

I'm sorry officer, but.... *puts on shades* Morality is relative. *Cop explodes*

I'd be a fan of the rapper 2 chainz, but something about him is just too chainz.

I don't understand how plumbers fit down that little hole in the toilet to fix it

Oh yeah dude, well how bout I punch your lights out? *runs around punching light fixtures* Yeah, not so tough now, mirror man.

Chill man be cool, I've totally bought drugs before. Ok I would like 10 weeds please.

My astrological sign is vagittarius.... ladies.

It's mother's day, so thank your mothers, you sons of bitches. Oops.

I'm such a procrastinator I'll probably die of natural causes before I get around to suicide

Do you think farting is just your own body sighing in disappointment at you?

Yes, I'd like to re-apply for my white person license. I've brought my iphone and accoustic guitar to prove it.

Gun-owners, try this simple, easy gun check! Aim a loaded gun at your head and pull the trigger to be sure the gun is operating properly!

I hate that these bombs killed people today, so let's get our drones ready to bomb whoever did this!

Alright, finally got my gun license! I can take my gun to work! *stands on gun and pulls trigger with toe, scraping along ground, shooting*

#WhenISeeAObamaBumperSticker I realize people don't know when to use an instead of a

Hey anyone want to see that new movie with celebrities in it?

Where do these unlimited bread sticks even come from? *Jesus storms out of the back of Olive Garden, demanding the right to form a union*

I'm kissing random people on the street to cross stuff off my bucket list! 1) kiss in the rain 2) get shot in the rain 3) die in the rain