Him: Your Vulgarity makes you unattractive
Me: I wasn't trying to attract you, you fucking shit face sloth looking bitch ass mother fucker.

I just ordered a cheesecake and ask for whip cream. Waitress asked "on the cheesecake?"

I seductively said "No, on my nipples, please"

My husband said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.

Twitter should come with a warning label: Understand Twitter before you share your handle with your real life friends.

Twitter is actually perfect for me since I'm all talk and no action.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Who keeps tricks up their sleeves? I keep mine in my pants.

The best way to a man's heart:

Let him cum any.where.he.wants.

You're welcome.

I can't remember. My short term memory is fucked. But ask me again in a couple months cuz my long term memory is the shit!

Im not straight out of Compton but I will stab a bitch

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

At 34, I appreciate being hit on even if it was by a cow.

A real cow. Not a fat guy, that's just nasty.

Can you add my vagina to your "To Do List"?

Thanks.

Guy at the gas station has a Bandana wrapped around his head. Is this my cue to shout out my area code & show my dominance?

I'm gonna shove a cherry up my vagina and be a virgin for Halloween.

Oh, yes, please toy with my emotions. There's always room in the "I'm not fucked up enough already" chamber of my heart.

- Women.

i want to hold your hand, lead you to the window, then push you out.

When I can't figure out what to wear to work, I sit on the edge of the bed and cry.

Because I HATE BEING A FUCKING ADULT!

Sitting here playing airdrums minding my own fucking business when my boss interrupts & tells me to get to work. I dont get it, I'm at work!

if you're not a bowl, joint, blunt, bong or penis, I have no idea how to suck you.