Thank god that Madonna appears to have finally run out of batteries.

My salad spinner broke & I got upset that I couldn't dry my lettuce & then I realised what a middle class wanker I'd become.

Compose new tweet my laptop says...

Twitter... Some perverted, narcissistic addiction... Hey you guys!

Happy spring... Should ears be cold in spring? Do I care? Do you care?

I am a leaf on the wind. And by that I mean a dude who's drunkenly eating cheese on toast.

Once, just once, in my life, I'd like to be able to say I feel flabbergasted without sounding like an entirely sarcastic cunt.

Hey, you guys who've worked out how to add paragraphy-spacey-shit to your tweets, stop that. I'm drunk & confused by your techno wizardry.

I appear to be watching a rom-com on my own, voluntarily. You may now castrate me.

Almost just got run over by a speeding hearse... I'm pretty sure there's a potential joke in there somewhere...

When life gives you lemons... Pretend you're a 15th century pirate with scurvy.

I need fried breakfast in my life. Come on ppl, snap to it.

@sistersurf you're a clean country pigeon!

@sistersurf loser loser loser loser loser... Come on autocorrect, get the hang of this...

@sistersurf you're a lower! I could have died in the wilderness... Laugh that shit up :p

Good to see that universities still sell surprisingly cheap beer.

Just a side note: before you have a go at someone on twitter, make sure you read what they've actually written & can understand words...

At what point is it going to be okay to start making jokes about Oscar Pistorius not having a leg to stand on??

I hate cleaning grill pans... I know, I know, TOTD right?

@sistersurf one likes to be consistent in one's approach to poorly orientated avis...