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Thank god that Madonna appears to have finally run out of batteries.
My salad spinner broke & I got upset that I couldn't dry my lettuce & then I realised what a middle class wanker I'd become.
Compose new tweet my laptop says...
Twitter... Some perverted, narcissistic addiction... Hey you guys!
Happy spring... Should ears be cold in spring? Do I care? Do you care?
I am a leaf on the wind. And by that I mean a dude who's drunkenly eating cheese on toast.
Once, just once, in my life, I'd like to be able to say I feel flabbergasted without sounding like an entirely sarcastic cunt.
Hey, you guys who've worked out how to add paragraphy-spacey-shit to your tweets, stop that. I'm drunk & confused by your techno wizardry.
I appear to be watching a rom-com on my own, voluntarily. You may now castrate me.
Almost just got run over by a speeding hearse... I'm pretty sure there's a potential joke in there somewhere...
When life gives you lemons... Pretend you're a 15th century pirate with scurvy.
I need fried breakfast in my life. Come on ppl, snap to it.
Good to see that universities still sell surprisingly cheap beer.
Just a side note: before you have a go at someone on twitter, make sure you read what they've actually written & can understand words...
At what point is it going to be okay to start making jokes about Oscar Pistorius not having a leg to stand on??
I hate cleaning grill pans... I know, I know, TOTD right?
Come for the wit... End up with my shit. Sitting slightly drunk amidst remote controls & to do lists. Lick my favstar, please.