There needs to be Uno tables in Vegas

Sometimes you have to just drink a beer and cry.

Screw you bank. My funds do not like being called insufficient when they are trying really hard.

I know its like "cool" to be an asshole and hate everything on Twitter. But a lot of you guys are really fucking awesome and nice.

Im out of beer and in my pajamas. Fuck it! Im sure the liquor store guy has seen worse.

i sound like such an asshole when i order a croissant.

why arent booze juiceboxes a thing?

Theres nothing more powerful than an idea. Except an idea with a gun.

I don't want to date you. I just want you to put together all this shit I bought from Ikea.

But all my Facebook friends think I'm funny

Crushin so hard you could slip me in a drink and ruin someone's night.

I got team spirit. I killed the team and am relying on their spirits to support me. pic.twitter.com/F9ODvtYz

Im a good listener. Especially of youre talking about me.

Being an independent woman feels great. Until I have to take out the trash. Then I just sulk all the way to the dumpster and back.

do these glitter tipped nails make me look all Wal-Marty?

You can tickle me if you ever wondered a broken nose feels like.

You arent weird just cuz you say stuff I saw on a tshirt in Hot Topic.

Cause of death: Died of hunger waiting for a pot pie to finish baking.

Everything. pic.twitter.com/cZwYzxPxtO

If my name was jack i would steal everyones tweets and be all, "you just got jacked" ok,fine Im leaving now. sorry.