Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I'd unfollow you twice if I could.
sometimes when I'm eating my lunch I fantasize about other lunches.
To keep my credit card number safe from online hackers I just keep it maxed-out.
because of tough financial times we are extending the 5 Second rule to 45 minutes.
this is my 1,000th tweet, officially making it the most time i've ever invested in anything that wouldn't get me laid.
sometimes I just rub the ground coffee directly on my gums to save time.
What most people can accomplish in a day I can easily accomplish in a week.
ever notice when people are in church your Porn Downloads faster…
apparently I enjoy resetting my passwords when I'm drunk...
technically all Porno Films are remakes.
The best part about being friends with a homeless person is knowing you'll never have to help them move on a Saturday.
on Sunday afternoon i like to go door to door & hand out literature on evolution.
I wish the first rule of Religion was the same as the first rule of Fight Club.
in the future a popular game at nursing homes will be Guess that Tattoo.
the only way this day could be worse is if Nicolas Cage was narrating it.
Jägerbombs taste like unplanned pregnancy with a shot of dentist appointment.
Where is the "declare bankruptcy" button on this stupid banking app?
A man's only as gay as the embroidery on his denim jean pockets...
Every time I cook my own dinner I want to send it back & kill the cook.
I make doing nothing look effortless
in high school I was voted most likely to forget your name...