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I can’t believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.
The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.
Nothing really prepares you for when your cell phone rings while you're fake talking on it.
CNN said Twitter is the angriest site on the Internet.
Fuck you, CNN. And your Mom.
Hey Tweet Stealers! Use the RT button. It's not a g-spot. You can find it.
My husband just said “It’s either me or Twitter.”
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
What do you say if Chris Brown is your blackjack dealer and you need another card?
When I’m behind someone who’s wearing white pants, I like to whisper “I hope that’s chocolate” as I walk by.
It took me 12 years but I finally graduated from collage. Can't wait for someone to higher me.
I'm old enough to remember playing outside.
I just watched my husband massage baby lotion into his cuticles for 10 minutes so who wants to teach my kid sports?
I'm just saying, if you fill the piñata with kitty litter, kids might lose their annoying sense of entitlement.
If there's a bag of Cheetos stapled to my knees then yes, I can probably do a sit up.
I married an older man becau$e he promi$ed to love and cheri$h me alway$.
I'd give a kidney to wake up in a tub of ice right now.
If I hadn't paid attention in Spanish class, I wouldn't have been able to order a purple sock in this Argentinian restaurant.
What's the name of the disease where you randomly key cars that are double parked? I think I have that.
I wish my parents would stop squandering my inheritance on food and medication.
I miss the days when only educated people could afford Internet access
I'm with the band. Recipient of the Nathaniel Hawthorne Prize for Judgmental Nature. Also, I like cookies.