The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.

I can’t believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

Nothing really prepares you for when your cell phone rings while you're fake talking on it.

Hey Tweet Stealers! Use the RT button. It's not a g-spot. You can find it.

My husband just said “It’s either me or Twitter.”

Hey everyone!

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

What do you say if Chris Brown is your blackjack dealer and you need another card?

When I’m behind someone who’s wearing white pants, I like to whisper “I hope that’s chocolate” as I walk by.

It took me 12 years but I finally graduated from collage. Can't wait for someone to higher me.

I just watched my husband massage baby lotion into his cuticles for 10 minutes so who wants to teach my kid sports?

I'm old enough to remember playing outside.

I'm just saying, if you fill the piñata with kitty litter, kids might lose their annoying sense of entitlement.

I married an older man becau$e he promi$ed to love and cheri$h me alway$.

I'd give a kidney to wake up in a tub of ice right now.

If I hadn't paid attention in Spanish class, I wouldn't have been able to order a purple sock in this Argentinian restaurant.

If there's a bag of Cheetos stapled to my knees then yes, I can probably do a sit up.

What's the name of the disease where you randomly key cars that are double parked? I think I have that.

I wish my parents would stop squandering my inheritance on food and medication.

I miss the days when only educated people could afford Internet access

Behind my cloak of rude & crass jokes is someone who adopts animals from the shelter. You should too.


Those poor, ugly fuckers need you.