If I leave the yogurt out will it go bad or just make more yogurt?

Dress for the blow job you want, not the blow job you're not getting.

The problem with dating a woman 10 years younger: she's still naïve enough to think she's right and I have the experience to know she's not

The hardest part of shopping at IKEA is getting it into the house without your neighbors seeing it.

I don't require an alarm clock. I wake naturally, when the drugs wear off.

I've been out of the dating scene for a while. Which base is anal?

You can always spot a Brit in an Orlando theme park by the way they're dressed and the EMT treating them for heat exhaustion.

"Should of", "Could of", "Would of" has got to be the most annoying grammar error ever. How can you read that back and not see the mistake?

Hey Ladies, is it normal for the clit to be in the 3 o'clock position? Asking for a friend.

Karaoke is a Japanese word meaning “tone deaf”

My cholesterol level was so high that when they tested my blood it all came out in one piece.

My superpower is sitting in a crowd and not talking to anyone. (I’m okay with this)

Dear Spiders,

I don't know how else to contact you. The silverfish are back and they look juicy.

Sincerely,
me

I don't talk about my father's heart attack when you eat bacon but every time I ride my motorcycle I have to hear about your uncle.

I was trying to kill a spider on the inside of my windshield and then it jumped on me, officer.

Only two weeks left to touch a vagina in 2012

Looking for someone to make me spend money on prepared food, accompany me to shows I don't care to see, and criticize me in exchange for sex

My laughter is infectious. No, seriously, you should get that checked out.

My rule of thumb is if we're doing it doggy style, guess where I'm putting my thumb

Happiness is a Twitter account your exes haven't found yet.