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Roses are red, violets are blue, will you let me do a poo on you?
I'm gonna call my next cat Darling so I sound like I'm in a posh but abusive relationship to my neighbours
Failing to see a valid reason to continue my existence
I have been bribed with breakfast in bed and sex. "Aww thankyou, why are you being so nice? :)" - "Uhh I dunno.. Can I play Black Ops now?"
Wait, is it morning for Americans? Maybe I should live there so I can wake up in the afternoon EVERY DAY.
Killed a mosquito, threw it in the toilet, and PISSED ON IT. Take that you ankle-biting cunt!!!
#talklikeapirateday - "But why is the rum gone?!"
There are few things more annoying than living with university students
I got to draw a dragon on a pizza box today. I love my job :')
I was trying on Chris's shirts but he said: "No, not that one, it's too small...Try this one, it's massive, that will fit you" omg
Last night my grandad told me, with great detail and pride, about how he took a smelly shit and how refreshed and pleased he felt afterwards