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Dear terrorists, You need not come to America. We're doing a good enough job ourselves.
Steps you can take to make a Big Mac healthier:
Step 1. Cut it in half.
Step 2. Throw both halves in the garbage.
Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying you for the rest of her life.
It sounds to me that all you guys who want a girlfriend who plays video games, smokes weed & watches sports, actually want a boyfriend.
Co-worker told me she got her asshole bleached.
Assume that means her husband went blonde.
Evidently being drunk and hilarious on Twitter is a good way to lose followers. So suck it, bitches, I'm having another beer.
Please stop saying "effing." Either swear or don't.
Effing makes you sound like a fucking
a-hole.
What if the Mayan Calendar ends in 5105, and we're just been holding it upside down?
Why does every woman that I see in a car w/a pro-life sticker look like someone I'd never want to screw anyway?
Jesus only had like 12 followers, and I think 1 of them ended up blocking him or something.
Shhh, shhhh...don't say anything. I want to hate you just the way you are.
Clown porn really needs to have some kind of warning. You can't just throw a clown in there like it's no big deal.
Date night with the wife.
Not my wife, of course.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Shit.
She's not laughing.