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Dear terrorists, You need not come to America. We're doing a good enough job ourselves.
Steps you can take to make a Big Mac healthier:
Step 1. Cut it in half.
Step 2. Throw both halves in the garbage.
Quit honking already. I'm not texting, I'm drunk.
Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying you for the rest of her life.
It sounds to me that all you guys who want a girlfriend who plays video games, smokes weed & watches sports, actually want a boyfriend.
Co-worker told me she got her asshole bleached.
Assume that means her husband went blonde.
Evidently being drunk and hilarious on Twitter is a good way to lose followers. So suck it, bitches, I'm having another beer.
I don't have time for this tomfoolery, I have a liver to kill.
Please spay or neuter your Republicans.
Twitter is what happens when other people are busy doing better things.
I'm not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
I need an auto-correct for my life.
Please stop saying "effing." Either swear or don't.
Effing makes you sound like a fucking
What if the Mayan Calendar ends in 5105, and we're just been holding it upside down?
Why does every woman that I see in a car w/a pro-life sticker look like someone I'd never want to screw anyway?
WOW! BEST EPISODE OF COPS EVAH!!!
Jesus only had like 12 followers, and I think 1 of them ended up blocking him or something.
Shhh, shhhh...don't say anything. I want to hate you just the way you are.
Clown porn really needs to have some kind of warning. You can't just throw a clown in there like it's no big deal.
Date night with the wife.
Not my wife, of course.
She's not laughing.