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I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Ways to tell a woman's mad at you:
1. She's silent.
2. She's yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."
Are there really people on twitter who complain about getting retweeted by someone with only a few followers??
FUCK YOU
Retweet that.
Most guy's dicks are like a Nintendo cartridge; if it's not working, pull it out, blow on it, and it should work when you put it back in.
You think YOU'RE poor?? The Hamburglar steals food from fuckin' McDonalds.
We get it, you think Adele is fat.
I don't hear her making fun of you for not being a multi-millionaire, and having no fuckin' talent.
Admit it ladies; if I walked in a crowded room and yelled, "YOU FUCKIN' CRAZY BITCH!", for a moment, you'd think I was talking to you.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
It never fucking fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you're just like your mom.
Wheeeen the jizz hits your eyes, from at least seven guys...
Thaaaat's bukkake.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?
Inappropriate. Not a toucher, but a feeler. I'd pray for you, but you're likely fucked already. Get on your knees and pray... and while you're down there...
