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Love is patient, love is kind, love is like dragging sandpaper across your dick so don't love anything ever and eat tons of cookies instead.
It's not where you take the girl to kiss her, but HOW you kiss her that counts.
* puts live porcupine in your fridge
95% of the time when I'm late, I was waiting for my phone to be charged 100%.
I'm a really bad person, but your mom loves me.
follow, unfollow… follow, unfollow. make up your fucking mind, grandma!
Friend said his religion worships fertility & genitalia. That sounds a bit sack-religious to me.
*Drops mic* *Pop & locks off stage*
If you've ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven't seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Women: Wine and dine me!
Men: I'd rather beer and spear you.
REPORT: Chick-Fil-A offers Paula Deen free food for a year.
Inappropriate. Not a toucher, but a feeler. I'd pray for you, but you're likely fucked already. Get on your knees and pray... and while you're down there...