My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.

BREAKING: Following NRA's path, alcohol industry now blaming drunk driving on "too much Mario Kart"

The debate so far:

Paul Ryan: "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"

Joe Biden: "Hah! This little nerd is funny!"

#VPDebate

Guys, stop "friending" me: Twitter is for people I like but don't know. Facebook is for people I know but don't like.

Mitt Romney says he defines "middle-income" as people who make $200,000 to $250,000 a year.

I think I just turned into a hobo.

A friend told a good joke. Unable to star him, I gave him a hug. It was awkward.

Twitter is turning me into a weirdo.

FOX NEWS: BOOOOO!

MSNBC: YAYYYYYY!!!

CNN: Anyone know what time this Supreme Court thingy is happening?

I wish lawmakers would start telling me what to do with my penis. Really confused. Women are *so* lucky.

Frankly, I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious about the fact that I've never been punched by Chris Brown.

BREAKING: Sarah Palin confirms she can see Chechnya from her back yard, is keeping an eye on it

Fox News: Barack Obama sworn in as America's first-ever two-term Kenyan socialist secret-Muslim dictato-presi-king gun-taker

Ladies, please keep it down a bit, a large group of white men are in Washington trying to sort out your birth control.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Facebook now has 901 million users and all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

I believe it was me who once said, "Someday I'll quote myself."

Dream realized.

BREAKING: Donald Trump will donate $5 million to hurricane relief effort if everyone admits Hurricane Sandy started in Kenya

Ladies, remember to check in with your congressman before doing anything with your vaginas this weekend.

Rick Santorum's pledge to ban porn is really going to hurt him in the key demographic of men ages 13 to dead.

Ann Coulter says radiation is "good for you."

If that woman said water is "good for you," I'd advise fish to take their chances on land.

The GOP has passed its American Dream Platform, which at last gives rights to rich, white, straight, Christian, English-speaking polluters.