Bitch neighbor across the hall used my Wet Swiffer. Damn, that does NOT sound as serious in print.

The Husband wouldn't pull covers in the night for fear I'd yell at him in my sleep. His training is complete.

Finally coughing enough to go see "Contagion." They'll love me like the people on the train love me.

To the woman who shoved past me in a crowd to tell friends "just want to thank you" and spilled my coffee on me, just want to thank you!

Life rule ignored by lady applying make-up on train: If it reeks of mildew when you open it, do not rub it on your body.

Sweated the Band-Aid off my buttock. You know you want me.

Inexplicably giddy over joke text. Suspect exhaust leak in car.

Working on slaying a dragon, one politely worded e-mail at a time.

In retrospect, maybe a 1/2 lb. of coleslaw *wasn't* the best choice I could make for breakfast.

"Look at me. Aren't I special. I can breathe." - Me, sarcastically, to everyone this morning.

Dogs with hillbilly teeth. Hy-sterical.

To the Lady who tried to sideswipe my parked car & pin me between hunks of metal -- the bunny ears, nose & tail on your car? Totes adorable.

Never taking off my headphones again. Every time I do, someone pounces. Leave me alone! Do you not see me wearing my cranky pants?!

I really, really liked pee-ing in the ocean.

Note to self: When a coughing attack ensues, put down the can of spray cheese.

Her make-up smells like black walnuts and her breath mint smells like toilet bowl cleaner.

I have to know: was Phoebe's Smelly Cat song about stinky lady crotch? Am I naive to wonder and not know, or twisted to wonder at all?

My fantasy: tall icy margaritas, ocean breezes and pool boys. Spread eagle in front of the AC vent just isn't the same.

Oh, look, I put dried peas and beans and corn and a candle in a goblet and tied raffia around it. I am a fucking DIY genius! #pinterest

Smart-ish phone thinks it's so smart. But it's not. Stupid, double-mid-editing, tweet-monster fuck-phone.