If my mother would actually appreciate it, I'd hire Danzig to sing for her today.

Fictional fact: Channing Tatum is actually native american, and his Navajo name is Chanting Taintdrum.

I wish my super power was being able to take things right out of the TV. You will be mine one day, Scarlett Johansson.

I almost watched John Carter, but I started throwing this tennis ball in the air and catching it. Completely distracted.

Spring cleaning is that special time of year when your family finds out what you really thought of their Christmas gifts.

Seriously though, don't fucking do that.

After being sick for like a whole month, I'm finally feeling almost good again. Fuck yes.

There seems to be a recurring trend on Cops where people go to jail because they don't know how to talk to the police.

American History X is seriously on Starz Black? That can't be in the best taste.

What's the point of writing an obituary if you're not gonna let us know how someone died?

Ever notice that Brad Pitt seems to eat almost constantly in his movies?

Hell with gluten free pizza. I want glutton free pizza. The kind that doesn't make you want to devour an entire pie and cry afterward.

It would be crazy if all my followers literally followed me around for a day. We could make the longest line at Subway. It could be a record

Damn, Josh Hamilton is the man.

My favorite part of 50 Shades of Grey: Not reading it.

@sheseemslegit Big Bobby the excessively sensitive gangster. He's great.

That awkward moment when you're cleaning out your dead aunt's belongings and find her prehistoric douche.

@hacketyhack is possibly the greatest idea for learning to program I've come across. Good stuff.