"The creepiest thing just happened to me today" - first cow ever milked by humans

He sat straight up in bed, horrified by the realization that after a full day of kicking ass he had completely forgotten to take names.

Turns out some video game already stole the name Final Fantasy from my line of senior citizen lingerie.

You know what, ghost of Patrick Swayze, some of us would like to just concentrate on this pottery class without getting dry-humped.

Be honest. Does this raspberry beret look like the kind you find in a second hand store?

In just 10 years, Reality TV has succeeded in destroying both Reality and TV.

Last item on my bucket list: lug a 30 foot constrictor into a bakery and proclaim, “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun.”

No offense Kid Rock, but I'm going to hold off on making my decision on president until I hear from the Insane Clown Posse.

Right now one of your followers is wearing nothing but a Burger King crown.

If Disney has taught me anything, it’s that evil people are always fat, ugly or disfigured.

“You’re Just One Dangerously Intense Bowel Movement Away from Being Swim-Suit Ready!” Find out more in this month’s Cosmo.

The best part about eating at El Pollo Loco is the reassurance that the chicken was too insane to understand its imminent death.

Harry Potter and the University of Phoenix #lessambitiousbooks

Amelia Earhart taught us that if you dream big and believe in yourself you can die a horrifyingly lonely death.

FACT: The Hamburger Helper hand was severed from the rest of his body in Vietnam during the Battle of Hamburger Hill in 1969.

Okay, so maybe I went overboard saying I was Twitter Elite, but the service I received at Red Lobster was nothing short of phenomenal.

You call it leaving my kids unattended in an Asian grocery store for 3 hours, I call it an after-school Mandarin Immersion Class.

Did you ever have one of those days when you make a humanitarian documentary so poignant that you end up masturbating in public?

A sandwich is a sandwich. But a Manwich is the most homoerotically-charged name for any canned meat product on the market.

I'd prefer to listen to something other than "She Blinded Me With Science" while sitting here waiting for my Lasik surgery.