The "Once you go black, you don't go back" rule doesn't apply to bananas.

I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

I think Karma is leaving MY fucking enemies for last.

My favorite music is the kind they don't play every fucking two hours on the radio.

Does 'chill' still only come in pill form or have they come up with new ways of taking it?

I really need to steal a garden gnome so I dont have to drink alone.

Sorry if I tweet so much. I just got out of a 3 year relationship and I'm not used to talking.

Im sending you all little bells to tie around your necks so I dont lose anyone else.

Gay people aren't vampires so you can't 'turn' them.

Now go trophy that balls tweet of mine so i can tweet that someone cupped my balls.

Guys, I'm so close to a 1000 followers I can almost taste it.. JK I'm not even fucking close.

I hold in my hand what us older generation would call a postage stamp.

A guy at work recently got married. I asked him if the present was worth it. We laughed and he started crying.

This tweet is all about Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

16 Stars to go for my first 20 Star tweet.

Thanks to twitter I now carry around a voice note recorder so that I don't forget a tweet.

In case any of you were wondering, injecting food coloring into your veins won't change the color of your blood.

Can I borrow your inner thighs, my ears and nose are fucking cold.

I'm a non-profit gigolo.

Personal tip: Two condoms and tabasco sauce. Put on condom, tabasco in second and put it on. If she starts screaming, the first one broke.