Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.
I would order a lot more pizza if they said "Dominos motherfucker." when I answered the door.
You know what? Don't. And while you're at it. Stop.
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
America's knowledge of war from least to most:
If my grandfather were alive today he'd still have his blinker on.
Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.
Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.
You lost me at "we was."
"Fuck, The Police." - guy who hates Sting
If you're feeling bad about yourself just know I saw a guy with camouflage crocs on today, so it could be worse.
Would you rather have $1,000 or Kim Kardashian's leg full of pennies?
'reading the same book over and over and expecting different results for thousands of years.' - religion
"I love Foursquare!" - burglars
What color do Smurfs turn when choked?
Twitter is just a bunch of Post It notes on an elevator to hell.
If you ever ask me my name and my head twitches for 15 seconds don't worry, sometimes I have to sing the Happy Birthday song to remember.
If you didn't catch Sarah Palin's interview on Fox last night just grab a spatula then rake it over a chalkboard while stomping on your toe.
You can measure any state's racism by multiplying the number of Civil War reenactments by number of NASCAR races divided by Waffle Houses.
If I wanted to "see things your way" I would have married your wife and not gone to college
When I was 11 I inadvertently hit a friend in the head with a bowling ball at church he went to the hospital I finished the game we never spoke again.