I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.

I would order a lot more pizza if they said "Dominos motherfucker." when I answered the door.

You know what? Don't. And while you're at it. Stop.

America's knowledge of war from least to most:

1) Revolutionary
2) Civil
3) Vietnam
4) Gulf
5) Drug
6) Whale
7) Parking
8) Storage
9) Cake

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.

You lost me at "we was."

If you're feeling bad about yourself just know I saw a guy with camouflage crocs on today, so it could be worse.

Would you rather have $1,000 or Kim Kardashian's leg full of pennies?

"Fuck, The Police." - guy who hates Sting

'reading the same book over and over and expecting different results for thousands of years.' - religion

"I love Foursquare!" - burglars

What color do Smurfs turn when choked?

If you ever ask me my name and my head twitches for 15 seconds don't worry, sometimes I have to sing the Happy Birthday song to remember.

Twitter is just a bunch of Post It notes on an elevator to hell.

If you didn't catch Sarah Palin's interview on Fox last night just grab a spatula then rake it over a chalkboard while stomping on your toe.

If I wanted to "see things your way" I would have married your wife and not gone to college

I'm so tired of insomnia.

You can measure any state's racism by multiplying the number of Civil War reenactments by number of NASCAR races divided by Waffle Houses.