Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.
I would order a lot more pizza if they said "Dominos motherfucker." when I answered the door.
You know what? Don't. And while you're at it. Stop.
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.
America's knowledge of war from least to most:
Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.
If my grandfather were alive today he'd still have his blinker on.
Would you rather have $1,000 or Kim Kardashian's leg full of pennies?
"Fuck, The Police." - guy who hates Sting
You lost me at "we was."
If you're feeling bad about yourself just know I saw a guy with camouflage crocs on today, so it could be worse.
What color do Smurfs turn when choked?
'reading the same book over and over and expecting different results for thousands of years.' - religion
If you ever ask me my name and my head twitches for 15 seconds don't worry, sometimes I have to sing the Happy Birthday song to remember.
"I love Foursquare!" - burglars
If I wanted to "see things your way" I would have married your wife and not gone to college
If you didn't catch Sarah Palin's interview on Fox last night just grab a spatula then rake it over a chalkboard while stomping on your toe.
I'm so tired of insomnia.
Twitter is just a bunch of Post It notes on an elevator to hell.
When I was 11 I inadvertently hit a friend in the head with a bowling ball at church he went to the hospital I finished the game we never spoke again.