If a hornet gets into your house and you have to sell it is it illegal not to disclose this to the Realtor?

Our educational system won't improve until they discontinue the Fast and the Furious franchise.

Following someone with 75,000 tweets is like marrying a parrot.

I guess they put fences around cemeteries because people are dying to get in.

I bet Tony Montana got that scar on his face from telling his girlfriend to calm down.

The straw that broke the camels back was actually a steel beam that crushed him like a pancake.

There's a time and place for everything. Except leaving voicemails. You're a monster if you do that.

A homeless Rainman throwing toothpicks at strangers and screaming the social security number of every Jeopardy contestant ever.

I hate to think what might have become of Abe Lincoln had they not put him on the penny.

It's pretty funny that people who say "word" can't read.

Hunting would make more sense if you could shoot animals that talked.

I hate it when I say good morning to someone and they say get out of the ladies restroom.

The most amazing thing I've seen on Swamp People is a dude with straight teeth.

Meter maids who write parking tickets in the rain are the scariest people on the face of the earth.

You can tell a lot about a person by stealing their phone and reading all the text messages.

My mom would be disappointed in all of you for encouraging me.

What happened to the guy who stole all the instruments from the music store?

He got banned.

I'm so sorry about that one.

It's not you it's me having to listen to you.

I bet people in Turkey sleep all the time.

It takes the stomach 15 minutes to tell the brain it's full and that's my only explanation for America.