You know that thing women do when you stare at their breasts, where they go: 'eyes up here buddy!'? Most annoying part about interview jobs

When I don't do my laundry, I just pretend I'm the Dalai Lama and I walk around wearing my sheets.
Imagination is what keeps me alive.

I just tweet a lot of random nonsense until eventually one is remotely funny.

I call it the Seth McFarlane method.

I am two drinks away from OH NO, NOT AGAIN!

Your grandma and her friends weekly game of bridge is as good a place as any to practice your 'that's what SHE said' jokes!

I went out jogging today. After 5 minutes I passed out, and woke in an ambulance with some dude giving me mouth to mouth. I hope he calls me

I have a lovely traditional recipe for punch. You'll need: scotch and ice. And a pack of cigarettes.

I would love to be a Quentin Tarantino movie. It would be refreshing to be overrated for once.

Dear Penthouse,

Still nothing.

I wish I had a girlfriend so we could attend couples therapy to yell at each other. That always looks so fun.

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Me? Just playing pong.

I AM GOING TO TWEET IN CAPS TO PRETEND I AM TWEETING FROM A LOUD CLUB!

Condom advertisers:

30 seconds of a baby crying. Sales up 500%.

You are welcome.

What's Klingon for 'I've wasted my life'?

Probably should not write 'Crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason' under skills at my resumé.

My favstar page is like a polluted L.A. night sky. You don't see any stars.

Next time you go for your unemployment benefits, start a conga line. I mean, your ass is already broke, you might as well have a good time

If you tweet ANYTHING about Justin Bieber, regardless of irony, you are part of the problem and I hate you.


... Oh, shit.

Batman is great for fighting crime, but if you want to stop world hunger, you gotta have soup per man.

I put the pimp in pimple.