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My goal with Twitter, is to gain an excessive amount of young male followers, cougar them a bit, then reveal I am a 6'5" 300lb lumberjack.
I wanna see a KY Intense ad where the guy screams, "YOU'RE A DIRTY LITTLE WHORE!" and the woman screams, "CUM IN MY MOUTH!"
It may be "inappropriate" to shave my vagina w/the bathroom door open, but everytime my kid knocks on the door I cut myself.
Next time I take a shit in a public restroom, I'm gonna scream like a mournful black woman at a funeral, "Lawd Jesus no, not my babies!!".
Just because you have an outside entrance to your parents basement, does NOT mean you "have your own place".
My son's yogurt splattered on my face when I opened it and it took everything I had not to moan loudly and rub it on my tits.
I've always wanted to walk in on a guy while he's masturbating and say, "No no, keep going. I want to sketch you." and see if he continues.
If my husbands asshole tasted 1/2 as good as his dad's meatloaf, I'd eat that fucking thing everyday.
Ok fine, I get it. Homeless people don't like to be slapped in the face with a dirty dildo. Jesus they're sensitive.
Just once, I'd like to eat a hot dog or a brat WITHOUT my husband's "creepy van guy" stare.
Once, just once, I want to see a batter stare down a pitcher w/intensity, lick his lips and wink. You know, just like in gay porn.
When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be a drug kingpin. But the older I got, the less chest hair I had & I hate yellow gold.
As depressing as it was seeing the empty lot where my childhood home once stood, I take comfort in knowing they never found the bodies.
The best part about using Mr. Bubble for anal lube is the bubbles you make later when you fart.
I just heard Curtis Stone say: "Sundried tomato bacon butter"... And now I have to flip this couch cushion.
Didn't I tell you, you're the only one who can see me like this.
