Men can be lesbians. Just saw one driving a suburu outback!

I have singlehandedly mastered sex.

I found Bigfoot!! She seems to have bought the condo above me.

It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone. But it's even better to be fucking a really hot chick.

Buying my wife a buttplug for Christmas. If she doesn't like it she can shove it up her ass

The bible is the only book I've read that if you read it backwards it pretty much has the same ending.

If I was strong enough to open this goddamn cold medicine I probably wouldn't need it.

I get soooo excited on Cinco de Mayo Eve!

I don't give a shit about being constipated.

Just had the best cup of coffee ever! Some may call it hot chocolate, fuck you.

Things on my dick look larger than they appear

Is it your their, you're their or your there?

I'm kind of like a prevert, I cum a long time before a pervert does.

I will not stand for this shit!! - guy in line for the bathroom

I'm in the chiropractors waiting room and Fox News is on. Good thing cause its my right that's fucked up.

I hope everyone has a nice VD.

Sitting here in this Italian restaurant wondering if this antipasta might be THE Antipasta!

Good morning gorgeous to all the beautiful girls who don't deserve that text this morning. :)

Hannibal's Coat of Arms is a coat of arms.

Just one more day and Jesus comes out of his hole and doesn't see a rabbit we all get chocolate eggs!