Showed my hemorrhoids to my doctor and he told me he could do nothing and never come back. Search for new Dentist starts tomorrow.

I have to take a Viagra when I take an Ambien. It keeps me from rolling off the bed.

Dad: Son if you dont quit doing that, you are going to go blind. Me: Dad, I'm over here.

Turning on Fox news to see what minority I should be pissed at today.

Took an Ambien and a Viagra. I'm fucking sleepy.

I did not wake up this morning, I came to.

I dont really remember what happened last nite but 3 Viagra are missing and my shoulder hurts. Guess those chicks didnt show up at my party.

I just picked out this really cool plaid vibrator at the adult toy store. When I asked why he wouldnt sell it, he told me it was his thermos

I tied a big rock to my pecker to make it longer, its seems to be working, its turning black.

I bought my wife a butt plug for Christmas. If she doesnt like it, she can shove it up her ass.

I love my wife. And for about $200, you can too.

Off to bed. These dreams aint gonna wet themselves.

I just sneezed so hard I almost gave myself head.

I'd give my wife to be single again

"If you want to be in the picture, you need to sit on this side of the table" -Jesus at the last supper.

The oil spill doesnt like being called crude. It prefers un-refined.

Nothing like being cussed out for unfollowing someone which is the reason you unfollowed the unfunny fucker in the first place.

Day 10 without a cigarette is going pretty good. What the Fuck Are YOU LOOKING AT MOTHERFUCKER?

The wifes arobics instructor just called to remind her of class and to wear loose fitting clothes. If she had that we wouldn't need him

Eating fish from the Gulf is kinda crude.