I liked it. So I put a ring on it. #fb

Chuck Norris doesn't watch Shark Week, Sharks watch Chuck Norris Week

Obama: You want answers? Wilson: I think I'm entitled. O: You want answers?! W: I want the truth! O: You can't handle the truth!

Its my hashtagging, isn't it? You hate the hashtagging. I knew it! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

In the timeless battle of Good vs. Evil, I shall always choose to dress my hot dogs w/ mustard. #fb

I'm not saying this meeting is a COMPLETE waste of time... actually, yes...yes, I am saying that. #fb

In Sand Springs for football... Can hear the faint melody of "Dueling Banjos" in the distance... #fb

I came. I saw. I resigned to write a book about it (maybe pitch a talk show).

Imma let you finish...no, really, finish...I'm done.

OHNO! Its #FF & I haven't done a THING to my profile! Please excuse the mess, I don't usually have all these RTs laying around

Imagine a state legislature "opting out" of Medicare...

finally did a google to see what an 'ed hardy' was and ewwwwwwwww! #fb

I think I'll just "phone it in" today

Click that star - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ->

Me thinks me has a personal pronoun problem. #fb

Harry Potter and the Prune Who Must Not Be Named #geriatricpotter

Hey, guys, let's hijack a freighter off the coast of Somalia! Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day!

The first step to conquering your twaddiction is twadmitting you have a problem.

My tie jokes make me thirsty. No tie today. #fb

My new razors have given me the shave & confidence I need to take all 4 kids to the WalMarts while wife goes shopping w/her mom