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Queer Eye for the Islamic Guy. #UnwantedSpinoffs
I just realized I had a check in my wallet for the last 5 days I forgot about. I'm the shittiest struggling artist ever.
The FBI Wants to Monitor Social Media? So i can't use this account for racketeering anymore? Also...what's racketeering?
Twitter: Desperate cries for help in 140 characters or less.
I have a migraine that only LSD can fix.
Butch Cassidy and the Sunburned Kid #worstwesternsever
Serious question: Why do people try and hold in sneezes? They just make that "AAAAAAAA...Snaaaaaa" sound which is 8x more rude.
I just drank a bag of Cheez-It's. Notice I didn't say "ate," that would not have been an accurate descriptor.
Not drinking has a downside. I didn't realize how much being hungover in the morning curbed my appetite. It's only 10:15 and I want lunch.
It's been a while since I had a mental breakdown...maybe that's what I'll do with my weekend...
Late night snacking is great for when there are still some women who think i'm not too fat to fuck.
If I become the best standup comedian alive, then, and only then, will I take the next step and become a birthday magician.
Took advantage of a drunk girl tonight. Got her to invite me into her place, and then I stole all of her silverware.
Comedians are a very strange mix of socially concious combined with being empty inside & generally not giving a shit about people. #Paradox
It's normal that a female friend of mine is moving away and my one regret is not seeing her naked right? Or am I a piece of shit?
Have you guys heard about this Doink the Clown Sex Tape?
You ever decide to stalk an ex on Facebook and accidentally post their name as a Status Update and not Search. That just happened to me.
I would marry a bag of Jordan almonds if i could. Fucking Republicans.
Comedian, Functional Alcoholic, Cohost of Bob & Dave are Terrible People on @Laffcast. I know...You've probably never heard of me. http://t.co/AuShD2Fxak