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I hate it when people tell me to keep your chin up. Really? Was that my problem the whole time, my chin was down?
If a gentleman never asks and a lady never tells, how do I know if she's into anal?
Guy in the urinal next to me decides to start a conversation while I pee. I made it less awkward by massaging his shoulder while he talked.
I'm so happy I have a penis and not a vagina. I'd be walking around with pruney fingers all the time.
When a guy on Facebook friend requests me and I don't know who he is. I accept the request and write on his wall, "Last night was amazing".
My boss walks in with his arm in a sling. I'm using will power to stop me from whispering in his ear, "I did this to you with my mind."
So she wants to do the whole schoolgirl fantasy. I'm just a little uncomfortable wearing a skirt.
If you yell at me from across a large room full of people, I will always reply, "My ass is fine but you really did a number on it!".
If I was ever in a massive orgy, I'd be the guy passing out Gatorade.
Ending a sentence with, "you know what I'm saying?" Is just stupid. You feel me dog?
I'm going to be pissed if the devil doesn't really know how to play a fiddle.
If you ask a kid on a leash how many people he's bitten and he says zero, chances are he's a goddamn liar.
I'd be the suicide bomber who is always bringing in a doctor's note.
I'm not calling them boobies anymore. From now on, I'm calling them Yaybies.
I was sent to buy tampons for the first time. I stood at the entrance of the store screaming, "Will someone please help me!" It went well.
If I was ever in a hardcore gangsta rap video, I'd be the guy in the background doing the robot.
If a friend tries to stay on the phone with me for more than a minute, I hang up and change his name on my contact list to "pussy".
If I ever found twenty pounds of weed in a duffle bag, I'll do the right thing. Call the cops and tell them I found eight pounds of weed.
Anyone else have that dream where Steve Buscemi ties you to a chair and forces you to watch him eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Two things I learned from playing Xbox with ten year olds: 1. They love to showboat after a win 2. They can't take a right hook to the jaw