Take one cell phone picture of yourself in a mirror and you can never be president.

I just want a normal relationship where I fight one of your exes and you tattoo my name on your ass.

Having a girlfriend is like being a detective that only solves the case of "why are you crying" over and over again.

ARE YOU ETHNIC? CAN YOU IMPERSONATE YOUR PARENTS? WELCOME TO COMEDY!

I wear cardigans because I want it to be a surprise when I throw this chair.

JayZ had 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Now A$AP loves bad bitches & has a f-ing problem. It's time we hear the bitches' take. #feminist

Do you like questions? Then having a girlfriend is right for you.

As soon as I have $100,000 and a woman I can stand for 18 years I'm making a baby. Or accidentally.

I'm the anti-hipster. I only buy greatest hits albums.

I hope my boys don't find out that I'm uncomfortable having sex with a woman unless I share some kind of deeper connection with her.

My Bachelor's Degree would be more useful if it were still a tree.

I'm a comic because it allows me to simoultaneously think I'm worthless garbage AND better than everyone.

Dogs can locate and dig you out if you're trapped in an avalanche but it's cool that you're a cat person.

Your pets don't love you.

Marriage: Gays, yes. Vegans, no.

If water tasted like root beer and made problems go away like beer beer then I'd totally drink the recommended 8 cups per day.

I'd rather be the losingest coach that stopped a serial child rapist.

Patience is a virtue for idiots that need to get out of my way right now.

You can tell how bad a neighborhood is by how hard it is to buy a salad.

Shout out to all my peoples that are too self conscious to enjoy themselves!