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Is there a Rosetta Stone for learning the lyrics to Yellow Ledbetter?
Remembering that time I dated an Asian woman. 'I love you so much. Your eyes. Wait. Stop smiling. There they are. Your eyes are beautiful.'
If Life gives you lemons, something something, commit felonies.
Shouldn't the expression be "a reasonable number of things in moderation"?
Salad Bar = nothing I like about the word (bar) and everything I hate about it (salad).
"No more Mr. Nice Guy!" -David Nice Guy announces his sex change operation
You guys are lucky I have such good bowel health otherwise I'd probably never read anything you say.
If you think it's tough getting a toddler potty trained, try teaching a 92 year old man how to double click a mouse. What the fuck, Grandpa!
The decoys on 'To Catch A Predator' must have a hard time getting dates.
If you think you may want to marry me someday, be prepared to want to divorce me someday too.
When I lost the 1st grade talent show, Mom bought a trophy at Goodwill to cheer me up. So I've appreciated the Favstar concept for a while.
Evolution really dropped the ball with that "searing pain while reproducing" thing.
Not sure what to get your lover for Christmas? Dump them now and make up on February 15th!
Love is such a strong word. I would be much more comfortable ordering a meat-liker's pizza.
Hamsters eat their own shit and live like 6 months. Neither of which makes me want to buy a Kia
Girls defy the laws of physics, the heavier they are the easier you can pick them up.
Nice part about being single at Christmas, the presents I get are exactly what I wanted…because I bought it.
Bad part...paying for it
At Xmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways beeping.
Women, not every man who tries talking to you is hitting on you. Sometimes we like to converse with the opposite sex.