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I think boob pics are funny, 'cause it looks like my stomach has eyes.
At least I have the common decency to admit when you're wrong.
You know what they say, "keep your friends close and your enemies body bagged in alphabetical order".
The one thing I love most about step ladders is knowing that Danny Devito will always be able to reach a woman's clitoris.
I'm the fax murderer
Decided to not wear glasses today. What a dumb fucking mistake. I've walked into everything and now I'm three months pregnant.
It's creepy saying nice things to people: *walks up to cashier, whispers* "you are a gem and God loves you" *clicks heels, disappears*
If you've ever driven over something with your car, you'd totally get how delicious this cake tastes. Moist. Really moist.
"I don't know how to tell you this, but, the tenth dentist we hired to judge this toothpaste, died, "unexpectedly", last night..."
Son: Mom, how do you spell communication? Me: With two boobs dear.
"Raise your swords kinsman and let us fi-FOR CHRIS'SAKE! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON THOMAS!"
It's really unfair, guys grow beards to look older. I have to develop a complex hatred for all men over 35.
Maxi pads shouldn't make me smile, but they do.
If there's something strange, in your neighbourhood. Who you gonna call? Social Services.
Cosmo tip #23: when completing fallatio, go behind his balls and reveal a coin. He'll love the half time magic trick and your creativity.
I dressed as a fly for a dress up party once, so yes I do know that I am irritating.
"Excuse me while I slip into something a little more comfortable." *gets into time machine goes to the 1900's where women don't have to work
"We will rebuild!" I yelled into his flaccid penis.
A really cool thing you can do with a head band for those bad hair days, is to put it on your neck REALLY tightly until you can't breathe.
One of these things is not like the other: 1: your opinion 2: the right answer