When life gets hard, make it cum.

You have a face tattoo? What a terrible way to let the world know your parents are dead.

All the tragedies in my life so far: 1. High school 2. A bad break-up 3. Realizing that a swimsuit doesn't make me look like Selma Hayek.

I'm not saying that your new girlfriend is weird looking, I'm just saying that if you saw a goat with chickens feet, you'd look twice too.

I'm not saying you can't have sex in the restroom of your OWN business, I'm just saying the least you could do is ask if I'd maybe want to.

When I'm bored, I go to graveyards and pretend to be a ghost to scare the widows, "I am your husbands new whore! Wooooo!"

Interviewer: What's your favorite blend of coffee? Björk: *old telephone dial-up tone* Interviewer: Excellent!

My skinny teenage body went out to get butter sixteen years ago and I still miss her.

La Toya Jackson reminds me of Toyota's. Her name and face.

Life's what happens when you pull out. - Sex Addicts Anonymous

Your duck face looks like my sisters belly button. She's an outie.

If you tell me to take a guess, you better be prepared to hear some fucked up shit.

"That's ugly" "You're ugly" "Touché"

If you light a match in MacDonalds, the whole place will explode.

I approach guys the same way Steve Irwin approaches stingrays.

It's always the girl that looks like she could eat the rapist that's afraid of getting raped.

You guys wouldn't like me if I were a racist. Ask my black friends, they'll know.

I would change my avi to boobs, but I doubt they have anything intelligent to say.

I know your mom didn't swallow, but the least you could've done was develop a tiny mouth and eaten yourself.

God makes no mistakes, but God created you so that men could have days of rest.