I haven't seen many 4 square tweets lately. I guess they've all been killed by their stalkers by now.

I'm far too proud of myself when I grab exactly the right number of hangers to hang my clothes up.

My son just drew something that looks like a penis. He assures me it's a car from the movie he's watching. I remain skeptical.

I saw an old man in nothing but his socks today. In his defense, he was in his house & I probably shouldn't have been looking in the window.

Your twitter crush poops.

The best thing about being single is the realization that nobody's seeing you naked anytime soon so you can eat as many brownies as you want

Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza!

Not all side-boob is created equal.

I don't need an app to tell me I've been unfollowed. I keep a list of my own and cross check it 3 times a day like any normal person would.

My boyfriend comes home tomorrow, I guess I'll have to start up on that whole personal hygiene thingy again.

Dude on the Starbucks patio in his bicycle helmet, reading a romance novel.

Crotchless panties are not all that practical.

I just tried to use my lock screen as a calculator if anyone is wondering how my morning is going.

Fuck you autocorrect. "Fu Log" doesn't pack the same punch as "Fucking" when trying to send angry texts in a hurry.

My husband says I'm the perfect sexy to psycho ratio. I suspect that during the hours he's shut in his box he wishes I was a little sexier.

Sometimes sexy is as simple as your labia trying to squeeze through the tiny hole in your sweats while you sit cross legged.

Hold your babies extra close tonight and be grateful that you have the chance.

Every time I watch a romantic comedy I thank god for making me the kind of girl to marry at Starbucks in a 20 dollar sundress, and love it.

See-Saw. Teeter-Totter. Whatever you wanna call it, I just got whacked in the va-jay-jay with it.

"This is the worstest snack ever" "Well do you want this or do you want me to go make you brussell sprouts? You choose" "This" - Parenting.