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I haven't seen many 4 square tweets lately. I guess they've all been killed by their stalkers by now.
I'm far too proud of myself when I grab exactly the right number of hangers to hang my clothes up.
Your twitter crush poops.
My son just drew something that looks like a penis. He assures me it's a car from the movie he's watching. I remain skeptical.
Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza!
I saw an old man in nothing but his socks today. In his defense, he was in his house & I probably shouldn't have been looking in the window.
The best thing about being single is the realization that nobody's seeing you naked anytime soon so you can eat as many brownies as you want
I don't need an app to tell me I've been unfollowed. I keep a list of my own and cross check it 3 times a day like any normal person would.
I just texted "I can't wait to sew you" to my friend and now she probably thinks I want to make a skin suit out of her.
Not all side-boob is created equal.
My boyfriend comes home tomorrow, I guess I'll have to start up on that whole personal hygiene thingy again.
Dude on the Starbucks patio in his bicycle helmet, reading a romance novel.
I just tried to use my lock screen as a calculator if anyone is wondering how my morning is going.
If you don't eat ripple chips like a typewriter, you are an asshole.
Fuck you autocorrect. "Fu Log" doesn't pack the same punch as "Fucking" when trying to send angry texts in a hurry.
Crotchless panties are not all that practical.
Hold your babies extra close tonight and be grateful that you have the chance.
Autocorrect just tried to get me to say 'pizza over britches.' Well played autocorrect, well played.
Sometimes sexy is as simple as your labia trying to squeeze through the tiny hole in your sweats while you sit cross legged.
My husband says I'm the perfect sexy to psycho ratio. I suspect that during the hours he's shut in his box he wishes I was a little sexier.