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If our pets could text, we'd probably get a few "Where u at?!" texts throughout the day.
Sometimes I get these random texts from my father that just say "Man up".
It's almost like he can sense when I'm watching kitten videos.
Most of my jokes at work end with "Sorry, didn't see you standing there, Tonya".
My favorite part of "Diff'rent Strokes" was when Arnold asked his brother, Willis, to elaborate on a perplexing statement he made.
The cat keeps running to the door like he's expecting friends to show up. Stupid cat. No one likes you.
I don't know if this counts as a trick, but whenever I tell the cat to "STAY" he does whatever the hell he wants to.
When I said that you'd always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway ... You can't stay here.
I wish there was a piñata version of you.
Don't make me punch you in your feelings.
When I said I was great in bed, I meant at sleeping. Stop touching me.
I've had the same exact To-do list for the past 3 weeks. Nothing accomplished. I felt bad until I scratched out "To-do" & wrote "Bucket".
The cat has the sniffles & a little too much energy today. I'm no veterinarian, but I'd say that's the first sign of a cocaine problem.
What part of "I'm stuck in my neighbor's doggy door" don't you understand?
It's funny how that picture of Morgan Freeman you carry around only seems weird when strangers catch you asking it for advice.
The only thing weird about this hug is you fighting it. Just relax and pretend you know me. That's it. Less weird now, right?
The only time the family next door stops fighting is when they spot me peeking through their window. You're welcome, weirdos.
Sorry, but I'd like a handshake just like everyone else, sir. This exploding fist pump is unacceptable.
Your voicemail messages will be ignored in the order they were received.
Stop honking your horn and just drive around me, a-hole. I'm trying to tweet here.
Karaoke Whore. Detroiter. Occasional Douchebag. Beer Enthusiast.
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