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The only way chihuahuas could be more annoying is if they wore little speedos and called everyone "bro".
If our pets could text, we'd probably get a few "Where u at?!" texts throughout the day.
Sometimes I get these random texts from my father that just say "Man up".
It's almost like he can sense when I'm watching kitten videos.
Most of my jokes at work end with "Sorry, didn't see you standing there, Tonya".
The cat keeps running to the door like he's expecting friends to show up. Stupid cat. No one likes you.
My favorite part of "Diff'rent Strokes" was when Arnold asked his brother, Willis, to elaborate on a perplexing statement he made.
When I said that you'd always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway ... You can't stay here.
Don't make me punch you in your feelings.
I wish there was a piñata version of you.
I don't know if this counts as a trick, but whenever I tell the cat to "STAY" he does whatever the hell he wants to.
The cat has the sniffles & a little too much energy today. I'm no veterinarian, but I'd say that's the first sign of a cocaine problem.
I've had the same exact To-do list for the past 3 weeks. Nothing accomplished. I felt bad until I scratched out "To-do" & wrote "Bucket".
It's funny how that picture of Morgan Freeman you carry around only seems weird when strangers catch you asking it for advice.
When I said I was great in bed, I meant at sleeping. Stop touching me.
The only thing weird about this hug is you fighting it. Just relax and pretend you know me. That's it. Less weird now, right?
The only time the family next door stops fighting is when they spot me peeking through their window. You're welcome, weirdos.
Your voicemail messages will be ignored in the order they were received.
Sometimes I think the ice cream truck with the tinted windows playing 50 Cent songs isn't really a ice cream truck.
Stop honking your horn and just drive around me, a-hole. I'm trying to tweet here.
Sometimes my boss is whoever yells at me the loudest.
I'm the kid you wouldn't sit next to in class until the teacher forced you to. Karaoke whore. Detroiter. Occasional Douchebag. Beer Enthusiast.