A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just REGULAR donuts.

Do people who say, "Exercise helps me relax" know about not exercising?

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY A PLANE would be a fun show

My performance in "I'm so sad I can't make it to your Christmas Party" is already generating Oscar buzz.

Dance like nobody's watching. Shut up like nobody's listening.

When camping, always remember to never ever go camping.

My cat eats too much food then throws it up. EVERY DAY. I swear to God if she keeps it up she is going to look amazing.

When I say I forgot to bring my swimsuit, I mean I remembered to forget my swimsuit.

Nicki Minaj looks like a kid drew her.

My favorite thing to do outside is go inside.

If there is one thing I've learned from this whole Angus T. Jones thing- it's that his name is Angus T. Jones.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way you judge them.

A guy in line behind me was whistling in my ear and then he suddenly got stabbed when I stabbed him suddenly.

People who say "exercise is a drug" should try drugs.

I don't even want to watch Hulk Hogan wrestle.

Ugh I just spilled almost a whole bottle of wine into my mouth.

Some lady was walking really slow in front of me when all of a sudden she fell when I pushed her.

There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

A guy asked me what my ankle tattoo means- I told him it means 18 year olds shouldn't be allowed to get tattoos.