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I don't kill spiders because They have like a thousand brothers and sisters and I know how things work on the streets.
Turns out all I really had to do for a Klondike bar was give a gas station attendant a few bucks. I don't see what the big friggin deal is.
1st on my bucket list. never die, ever.
I don't wanna sound racist, but i HATE marathons.
Think famous people are better than you? just imagine them pooping! Then realize that turd would sell for 3x the value of your home...
eating a half of a container of hummus doesn't automatically make you healthy? i know, i don't get it ether.
I'm not sure who this Tebow guy is, but he should cool it before seal team six takes him out and we take all his oil.
Dolphin tale is #1 at the box office and you all let this happen....
i wish my friends knew how to favorite tweets...
Do a good deed today. when your lame friends start talking about their day youll have something to make them feel inferior. You're so legit!
The human brain is capable of astonishingly abstract thoughts. Still, I'm having some trouble picturing a Chinese guy with a nice big beard.
Coworker got angry cuz I called her baby a "thing". I told her to chill out and she did, because new mothers totally respond to that...
This chihuahua needs to quit playing dumb and teach me some spanish...
Serious question guys. Do all of these grilled cheese sandwiches make me look too ripped?
I sure have a lot of highlighters for someone who has never highlighted a thing in my life. Unrelated: all my fingernails are neon today.
For 2 1/2 years I've woken up in the morning thinking "I should really return those books to the library today" but I pay taxes so screw it.
I like to save my farts for the health food store, so I don't offend anyone.
Hey Paper toilet seat cover companies, you gonna pay for all the pants that i've soiled while failing to poke that middle part out in time?
America would be a different place if the forefathers had written the declaration of independence with autocorrect enabled on their iphones.