Things I have learned from twitter.
1. I'm funny.
2. But not that funny.

If you can make a woman laugh you're halfway there.

If you're halfway there & then she laughs, that's a different thing.

I'm worried that if I give up smoking I'll replace it with murdering.

Today, I've gotta drive a really long way, to a place I don't like, to see people I can't stand, to do things that bore me.

Adulthood.

What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.

The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

If I reach 700 followers, I'm gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won't do much for you guys, but it'll certainly liven up Starbucks.

A year on twitter… I remember when all this was fields.

Client: What are you hoping to get out of this meeting ?

Me: I'm just hoping to get out of this meeting.

I've been doing some thinking & I don't recommend it.

Today i tried out 'metrosexual'.

According to the policeman it has nothing to do with trains.

Sometimes i worry my tweets are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...

Ya know, smart n that.

Yeah, we fellas like girls with great brains, but we'll only find that out of we talk to you. For that you're gonna need great tits.

The neighbourhood watch is having a meeting about the creepy guy & I'm the only one not invited.

I just saw a scan of my unborn baby. Suddenly I do care if the world ends on Saturday.

If you're not a tiny bit scared of her, it won't last.

If I were a doctor, I'd spend all day urgently crashing through swing doors.

Golf: For when you can no longer get a boner.

Earlier I tapped my foot twice to a song.

Sometimes the dance just bursts right out of me.

If you're not sure if you've been to Amsterdam. You have.