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My kids can program our DVR from a cell phone & figure out any video game in 2 mins, but I'm the only 1 who knows how a fuckin plunger works
I give guys driving mini vans plenty of room. I figure there's already a reduced will to live & they're probably 1 straw away from snapping
My hand...on the small of your back as we enter the room...just a small reassurance that you're safe...
and completely mine.
Her: There's a hand print on my ass
Me: Were you naked & in my bed?
Me: I don't understand the question
My favorite aspect of twitter....no matter how much we banter, none of you fuckers are coming to my house or expecting me to come to yours
Wife painted the bathroom lite pink. I kinda like it...
Who am I kidding, I picked it cuz sometimes I wanna soak in the tub & feel pretty
I swear...I think restaurants with drive thru's identify the dumbest employee and say "here, you get to wear the headset"
If you don't have anything nice to say, we can still hang out. If you dont have anything intelligent to say, go read a book & catch me later
Though I've done so tens of thousand of times, simply touching her still excites me.
Jesus....this guy's driving like he's tweeting.
Wait that's me...
Sorry dude, I'll get out of your lane now.
Some of you fuckers scare me. Not in a "clock tower shooter" kinda way...more in an "allowed to vote and procreate" kinda way
Holding hands is underrated.
Gave the wife a choice this morning....golf course or intercourse.
I'm 3 under at the turn.
Always takes me a few mins to remember that southern women have an extra something in their DNA that makes 'em a lil sexier than the rest
Overheard: "I bought the decepticon hat because the autobot hat was lame"
Probably could have both w/ the money he's saving on condoms
Dog is sitting in the corner chewing on a tampon. Someone's gonna have to clean that up and I'm not getting laid tonight. Fuck.
Hang in there. 8th shot should kick in soon & I might say something funny. That or pass out. Fuck it, you rolled the dice when you followed
It's important to challenge yourself, hence my dicking off 6 hours & cramming 10 hours worth of work into the last 2 hours of the work day
Woke this morning feeling like I really excited about putting my dick in something. Hadn't planned on it being my zipper. Fuck...
Involuntarily retired pro baseball player, lawyer, ceo and some other shit. It's not fun till someone loses an eye...
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