While I appreciate a cute or even hot 20-something girl as much as the next guy, I'd choose the sexy, smoldering 35+ woman every time.

My kids can program our DVR from a cell phone & figure out any video game in 2 mins, but I'm the only 1 who knows how a fuckin plunger works

I give guys driving mini vans plenty of room. I figure there's already a reduced will to live & they're probably 1 straw away from snapping

My favorite aspect of twitter....no matter how much we banter, none of you fuckers are coming to my house or expecting me to come to yours

Her: There's a hand print on my ass
Me: Yes
Her: Why?
Me: Were you naked & in my bed?
Her: Yes
Me: I don't understand the question

Wife painted the bathroom lite pink. I kinda like it...



Who am I kidding, I picked it cuz sometimes I wanna soak in the tub & feel pretty

My hand...on the small of your back as we enter the room...just a small reassurance that you're safe...

and completely mine.

I swear...I think restaurants with drive thru's identify the dumbest employee and say "here, you get to wear the headset"

Though I've done so tens of thousand of times, simply touching her still excites me.

Jesus....this guy's driving like he's tweeting.

Wait that's me...

Sorry dude, I'll get out of your lane now.

Gave the wife a choice this morning....golf course or intercourse.

I'm 3 under at the turn.

Always takes me a few mins to remember that southern women have an extra something in their DNA that makes 'em a lil sexier than the rest

If you don't have anything nice to say, we can still hang out. If you dont have anything intelligent to say, go read a book & catch me later

I love watching her...hearing her breath as she sleeps...contented smile on her face. I wish for her peaceful dreams that match her beauty

Holding hands is underrated.

Overheard: "I bought the decepticon hat because the autobot hat was lame"

Probably could have both w/ the money he's saving on condoms

Dog is sitting in the corner chewing on a tampon. Someone's gonna have to clean that up and I'm not getting laid tonight. Fuck.

Hang in there. 8th shot should kick in soon & I might say something funny. That or pass out. Fuck it, you rolled the dice when you followed

It's important to challenge yourself, hence my dicking off 6 hours & cramming 10 hours worth of work into the last 2 hours of the work day

Woke this morning feeling like I really excited about putting my dick in something. Hadn't planned on it being my zipper. Fuck...