The best thing about dating a homeless girl is that you can drop her off anywhere.

We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child. Eventually.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot - but I always found them.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.

The brain is an amazing organ. It starts working the moment you wake up and does not stop until you walk into the office.

I'm sorry, but if you tweet "followback" at the end of every fucken tweet you will get shot, unfollowed, and shot again. Thanks.

The only ass some of you get is when your fingers slip through the toilet paper.

If you want the real thrill of bungie jumping, try it without the rope.

If every single tweet I post isn't funny, does that mean am I losing at Twitter?

RT @canadian_jane: I only drink on special occasions. Like Monday morning. ((and days ending in 'y'..))

Whoever said "Progress is a slow Process" clearly wasn't talking about me.

Why do mobile companies still bring out new phones with qwerty keypads? Teenagers are not attracted to vowels. Also, where's the LOL button?

I was a very unpopular child. I only had two friends. They were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.

@canadian_jane You know you're not ready for parenthood when you automatically spin around in circles every time you're on an office chair..

Lady Gaga is coming to South Africa. I'm celebrating by going to the dentist - that's how much I like her.

I like to pee my name in the snow. Especially when it's to melt the snow off my windshield.

#FF @notjpo @wezza17 @katyekaty @spaghettijesus @billmc7 @isaiddont @idstandonthat @canadian_jane @lisafarted @confusedlush @coastiefish

That awesome moment when I run around with scissors. I feel like such a rebel. You will never be this cool.

Damn you Macklemore for making the poor think that onesies are fashionable. Should've rather made teeth fashionable. What what. What. What.

You know that awesome feeling when you finally understand Math? Me neither.