@RolandSlinger's (Jacob) most faved Tweets...
Weekends are just the days where co-workers get drunk and have sex with each other so we can talk about it on Mondays.
I remember 2 yrs ago when I was told I'd be following a stuffed monkey, sock puppet, and someones dog on twitter. That Unicorn was smart...
As I wait for someone to bring me jumper cables, I'm learning without power my car is simply a $20,000 couch.
There's a gathering of old people at my neighbors house which means someone died or they discovered a cocoon.
Is it time for me to solve the world's problems? Very well then.I need a bong, cookie dough ice cream, and the Boston album.
If Video games have taught me anything its that if ninjas kidnap the president, I just need to eat mushrooms and fuck. shit. up.
New neighbors are staring at me. Geez, its like they've never seen a 30 year old with an ice cream truck.
I can't wait till I have kids so I can tell them that ninjas hide in shadows like under beds or in closets and you'll NEVER hear them.
"Its like imaginary people but their real and they eat babies and unicorn where are you going?" Me explaining Twitter to friends.
RIP Brittany Murphy. You will be remembered...as soon as we figure out how to spell your first name correctly.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, Rosie O' Donnell's still a fat ugly cow.
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When cyborgs are made can we make it so they don't understand the joy of milk and cookies? I want to taunt them by eating in front of them.
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