Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Sorry for all the fucking profanity in my last few tweets. I need to get that shit under control.
After Earth should be called M. Night Shyamalan presents"Jaden Smith's Big Adventure and Will Smith's engaging series of naps."
Guys I did an audition tape for @realworldmtv & I need your support or I'll cry. Love me like I love you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsYI-sjVmoI&feature=youtu.be …
I'm pretty sure you could just inject boiling water into your veins to get rid of AIDS. I dunno why I gotta think of everything around here.
I was an ugly baby. Coming out of the womb, the doctor said, "Wow! He's got a full head of hair! Wait, no, it's a breech birth."
Did anything happen in the news today?
My hot water tank is really only mildly attractive.
I've heard how one coworkers weekend went 6 times and now I understand why homocides are highest on Mondays.
Good morning, Twitt—oh, someone famous died? See you guys tomorrow.
I don't have a girlfriend because I can't handle yelling at more than one thing to hurry up and right now I have a toaster.
A british guy called me handsome once and I cried for 3 hours.
The Saw movie franchise would have been a lot more plausible if at least one scenario included a toe stubbing contraption
My novel, "Twitter, The Wasted Years," will be coming out never because Twitter.
If the people who hacked MTV's Twitter account link to a video it will be the first time MTV played a video in 27 years.
Who has two thumbs and lots of friends? Not my dog.
I'm old enough to remember when prison movies had nothing but white guys in them.
I wish there was a site where I can read jokes all day and watch people fall in love with each other and have no future together.
Alicia Keys has a nice fart box.