Did anything happen in the news today?

My hot water tank is really only mildly attractive.

I've heard how one coworkers weekend went 6 times and now I understand why homocides are highest on Mondays.

Good morning, Twitt—oh, someone famous died? See you guys tomorrow.

I don't have a girlfriend because I can't handle yelling at more than one thing to hurry up and right now I have a toaster.

A british guy called me handsome once and I cried for 3 hours.

The Saw movie franchise would have been a lot more plausible if at least one scenario included a toe stubbing contraption

That dirty old comic artist has a new one!  http://fb.me/25k1Z68tF 

My novel, "Twitter, The Wasted Years," will be coming out never because Twitter.

If the people who hacked MTV's Twitter account link to a video it will be the first time MTV played a video in 27 years.

Who has two thumbs and lots of friends? Not my dog.

@rolandslinger I drove through Slinger, WI and past Roland Machinery. pic.twitter.com/k4aQNdEp

I'm old enough to remember when prison movies had nothing but white guys in them.

I wish there was a site where I can read jokes all day and watch people fall in love with each other and have no future together.

Alicia Keys has a nice fart box.

Yes! That $ will buy more cocaine! Which in turn will bring me more $! Which then will buy me a proper television for my bathroom!

I don't know what gets me more excited today, National Cheeseburger Day or @rolandslinger 's birthday. Fuck that's a good combo

Hey guys, my vagina just farted!

I bet Alzheimer's patients hate today even more than the rest of us do.

The difference between rice krispies and cocoa krispies is cocoa krispies get loud as fuck if you're watching a movie.