I'm high on life (and cocaine).

Some of the dumbest motherfuckers I've ever known graduated from college.

We all know you're going to make questionable decisions in life. Why not make them in my basement?

There's not enough Dokken cover bands.

I'm more of a "knifer" then a "spooner", ladies.

On this date a year ago Orioles were 61-88, A's 68-83, Nats 71-78, Reds 74-77, White Sox 71-77. Land of Hopes and Dreams

If the sheets are still on the bed when it’s over, you’re doing it wrong.

Officer: How high are you? Me: No, officer. It's hi, how are you?

Samsung’s latest ad compares the iPhone 5 to the Galaxy S III: “It doesn’t take a genius.” http://t.co/MlcYG5QX

Like a good neighbor, stay over there.

Most people don't know this, but Oral Roberts actually preferred anal.

Quite honestly, Charles wasn't in charge of jack shit.

My new stage name "illy Joel" is going to rake in the bucks. It's worked for Ryan Adams.

"I didn't kill my daughter.".-The false information given to an officer.

Kinky = using a feather. Perverted = using the whole chicken.

I feel bad for Casey Anthony, she's probably missing out on several 4th of July wet t-shirt contests. #SwampTrash

Recently, I've been trying to finish reading Twitter. It's pretty big.

google+ is now open to the public! #mustbeover18

Every ankle bracelet is sexy as hell when it's above her head.

Source: #RedSox have released OF Mike Cameron. More details to follow.