I woke up wondering where the hell I was. Refrigerator looks well stocked. I think I'll chill here a while.

Wooops. I think i ate the ambien instead of the spree. My hands aren't under mhuwyeiw 5bb55 ūfff hi cant make 4gfe aaaannd duiwx ifeeö çsvhh

when I'm on twitter, mostly I'm thinking "finally. somebody said it.","oh me too!", and "no wonder we're all social outcasts."

When your grammar and spelling are so bad that you seem drunk all the time, don't text or talk. You're dumb.

Why do you hang a dream catcher from your rearview? In case you fall asleep while driving?

I always imagined I'd meet Mr. Right in the drunk tank at the police station.He'd say 'Hi, I'm Barry," & I'd pass out from MD2020 fumes.

I dreamt there was a cat howling in my room. I forgot to shut Bon Iver off.

Someone finally ordered a milk at the bar.

Wanna donate to a worthy cause? My liver accepts charity.

*trying to be quiet* .... *knocks over grand piano*

If you don't have a bed mate, invest in a heating blanket. Seriously. They don't shed as much as cats.

Science says question everything. You know why? Because people are fucking liars. That's why.

There was no time to think. It just happened. I suddenly had boobs.

TODAY'S GOALS:Don't fall asleep on the couch,get a mediocre drunk on to avoid spending $1Mil on beer @ The K,marry an MLB player #priorities

Yeah. I'm 12. #DrawSomething http://t.co/qP3UlBbK

Boobs: The original TV tray.

Regrettably, I handled a community bowling ball while eating nachos. I'm almost certain I contracted the flu, pink eye, and hepatitis.

I have bacon coursing through my veins. Frickin' for real. Wrap your mouth around that. pic.twitter.com/ShNxQOiO

Face it. Once you start blowing rails of Kraft Parmesan, your life is over.

Oh. My. God. Your personality is almost as obnoxious as your face.