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If you're not eating vagina, please stop posting pictures of your food.
The larger the hoop earings a girl wears the more government assistance she's received.
Hey guys that answer every chicks sexual tweet, she isn't talking to you and you're a god damn embarrassment
Random fact: couples that share Facebook accounts also share dildos.
I'm over here pinning my 6 year old down and making him watch The Goonies because I give a fuck about his future.
"What if I make nachos afterwards?" -me trying to close the deal on some one night stand sex.
If you've ever answered a text with "Kk" why don't you go Ffuck yourself.
I'm convinced that people without tattoos fuck with their socks on.
I saw VW bug with some long fake eye lashes on the lights, so I blew a load on its hood because that's what it gets for looking like a whore
Ran out of deodorant so I was forced to use some chick deodorant; it smells so good that I can't stop fingering my armpit.
Just because I'm the only Mexican living in this neighborhood I always bet blamed for stolen rims :(
So does anyone want to buy these rims?
My son told me that wanted to be the President when he grows up but since he's Mexican, I got him this huge hat for when he starts roofing.
Hey, strippers in Mexico; It's a vagina stop calling it a bagina.
I'm going to get "Clint Eastwood, talk to a fucking empty chair" drunk tonight.
People wearing a Bluetooth device should worry a lot less on hands free talking and a lot more on being less of a shit head fuck.
Attention ladies, it's probably not a good idea to tell me about the hole in your heart because I will try and stuff my penis in there too.
I always promise chicks a trip to pound town but we always end up running out of gas in premature ejaculationville :(
With all these retro fashions making a come back; I hope hairy pussy is never one of them.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: fortune cookies stuffed with everyone's tweets w/ your name for credit. BOOM! CYA ON MY YACHT LATER, BITCHES!
"SEMEN OR PEANUT SHELLS, WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE?" I scream as Im escorted out of the local Texas Roadhouse in cuffs.
Nacho connoisseur and slow pitch softball pitcher.