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Nice try, lady at Total Wine asking me if I think I've sampled enough for the day, nice fucking try.
My new neighbors just moved in and their daughters are named Hennessey and Alize so I just added an extra 50k insurance policy on my house.
I met someone on a Paleo diet like 2 weeks ago and he just finished telling me about it, 5 minutes ago.
I'm glad there isn't any elevator footage of how badly I beat my dick.
Starting twitter all over again with no followers is exactly like losing your house to a tornado, so cry me a fucking river, Oklahoma.
I just threw an empty plastic bottle away, so yeah, I totally understand what Melissa Rivers is going through right now.
I'm Mexican but not "put tv's in the headrests in my 1996 Chevy Malibu" Mexican.
I'm Mexican but not "still wear Guess like it's still in fashion" Mexican.
Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty, so I'm just gonna sleep with one eye open since it's legal to murder your spouse now.
An amber alert system on the freeway, except not for missing children but for your missing buddy that just left the bar with that fat chick.
Just watched someone order a Subway sandwich without getting it toasted like some kind of serial killer or some shit.
Plan B, except not for that drunk dude you let cum in you after the bar last night but for that breakfast burrito you just inhaled, fatty.
The chubby chick at McDonalds just gave me an extra egg mcmuffin in my bag, so yeah, I'm cool with her making 15 an hour.
If you've ever had a family member come visit you via a Greyhound bus, they for sure have a criminal record.
I'm more interested in listening to you talk about your prolapsed butthole than I am in listening to what political party you back.
You know you've won at Mexican Twitter when all of your responses are "JAJAJAJAJAJAJA"
It's pretty cool that every flesh light ever produced is the exact mold of Joan River's plastic vagina.
If the lady with 3 boobs doesn't legally change her name to "Tres Leches" then I'm not even sure what she's doing with her life.
Make sure to buy your baby Jordan shoes, so he/she can know that they'll be working at a call center throughout their adult lives.
If you're a chick with a phone that's all cracked, I'm just going to assume you don't take care of your vagina either.